“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”

Galatians 6:1-2

The following questions are designed to help you cultivate a “spirit of gentleness” in conflict and confrontation. Please review the questions and discuss the following:

• Which questions/principles are you particularly challenged by?
• When have you seen God use one or more in your or another's life?
• Pray the Lord would establish the heart of these questions and principles in your relational conflicts.
• Confess to Him (and if helpful to one another) any area of conflict where you need His grace and mercy for change.

1. What do I want out of this situation?

“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

1 Corinthians 10:13

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Philippians 2:4

Make it your aim to seek the magnification of God’s glory and the good of the other person in the situation.

2. Am I coming with any logs I have not dealt with?

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.”

Matthew 7:3-4

How can you find a log in your eye?

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

James 4:1-2

Ask God to help you see if there are any ways your desire for even a good thing overpowered your love for God and the other person. Commit to ask forgiveness of the other in an appropriate way and time.

3. Am I coming as a fellow sinner indebted to God for forgiveness or as a judge?

Read Matthew 18:21-25; the parable of the unmerciful servant.

Ask the Lord to help you posture yourself as a fellow sinner indebted to God and one who has received undeserved forgiveness– so that you may have a merciful attitude towards the other person.

4. Am I coming with sincere questions or premature conclusions?

“One who gives an answer before he hears, It is foolishness and shame to him.”

Proverbs 18:13

“This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. 2 Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful. 3 But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. “4 For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart.”

1 Corinthians 4:1-5

Consider if there are ways you have condemned without evidence- or simply assumed things about the other person and their motives that you don’t know. Consider what questions would allow both of you to see this conflict more clearly.

5. Do I know that only God gets the other person to see what they should?

24 The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, skillful in teaching, patient when wronged, 25 with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, 26 and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.

2 Timothy 2:24-26

Ask the Lord to help you hold strongly to the truth that only He can create repentance in the other person so that you can go to them free of an agenda to demand or control in the conflict.

6. Am I leaving room for God’s justice?

18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written: “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:18-21

Ask the Lord to help you rest in His commitment to justice for you, for the other, and for Himself, so that you can be ready for reconciliation and not vengeance.